Tracey is a popular writer of topics ranging from positive parenting and parenting in balance, to preserving the couple's relationship (when a child is born), children's self esteem, education before medication (of children), family travel, and infertility. Tracey's articles have been published in The Parenting Guide, Inner Realm and Children of the New Earth.

101 Questions for Expectant Parents is a tool developed to preserve a couple's relationship through the transition. While couples prepare fore their baby by getting the nursery ready and gearing up for the baby's birth, they don't really prepare for how this birth will affect their relationship. This book asks parents a number of questions to allow them to prepare mentally, emotionally and physically for the task of raising a new child, as well as opening up communication on specific issues before they arise.

It allows new parents to think about and discuss the specifics of raising a child and prepare long before the birth for many of the concerns of a baby. It addresses questions about how a couple's relationship may be affected after the birth of their child, medical concerns of a new child, plans for childbirth, the emotional concerns of a new mother, and the shared duties of the father.

This book should be read by every new couple expecting a child in their lives, to prepare them for the adjustment of becoming parents and the transition from couple-dom to parenthood.

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Searching for Inspiration on the Infertility Rollercoaster

Searching for Inspiration explores Tracey's personal journey facing infertility and the medical interventions needed to reach motherhood.  As any woman facing infertility can attest, it truly is an emotional rollercoaster, with few answers and ever mounting uncertainties.  Tracey bravely shares her experiences, so other women experiencing the trials and tribulations of this issue can gain inspiration and support.  Tracey hopes the tools and support provided in her new book will help those women riding the sometimes frightening, frustrating and challenging infertility rollercoaster and provide a better chance for success.

One example of that assurance came around the holidays when I had a meeting with Michelle about her 16 year old daughter.  When they first came to see me a few months prior, her daughter Jackie had been having a lot of difficulty for many years in school.  Michelle had been struggling to help Jackie and advocate for her at school. But Jackie had finally reached a point where she was tired of trying, her self esteem and confidence was low and she had no real goals ahead of her once she finished high school.In a short period of time I realized that school was not her strength and since she only had a few years left of high school I wanted, instead, to find out what her strengths are and discover a way to focus on those instead.

Jackie is a beautiful girl with a warm, gentle soul and every time she came to see me she was dressed fashionably from head to toe, totally classy and put together. I used that as an opening. We started talking about clothes, designers, and styles.  I even brought in some fashion magazines and had her cut out clothes that grabbed her attention. Then once she had cut out a bunch of pictures, I asked her to put them together into outfits.  In a matter of minutes she had them all grouped together and they were wonderful. It was then that I realized fashion was her gift.  She had an eye for style, putting clothing together, accessorizing, and fitting personalities with clothing styles.

Up to this point Jackie had not excelled in school so no one talked to her about college. (which seemed to be the only option once someone left high school) Instead, they were saying she was lucky to graduate.  That belief was carried through to Jackie, and with this negative reinforcement why should she create any goals past high school?

I worked with Jackie and Michelle to shift their thought process and look at the bigger picture.  While school and society would like parents to believe that education and grades are everything, and thus should be your main focus, the bigger picture asks what your child is going to do once she graduates high school and gets out into the real world. What is your child's life purpose and how can she pursue that once high school is over.

  In Jackie's case she needed to get through the next few years of high school, do the work and graduate.  But in the meantime, I wanted to cultivate her talent, research avenues that were available within the field of fashion and figure out what she could be doing after high school to follow her life purpose.

As I encouraged her fashion sense and discussed what opportunities there might be for her, Jackie began to regain her confidence.  She wasn't a bad student going no where; she was gifted and could work in New York City after graduation in some aspect of the fashion world. It all depended on how a person perceived the situation and what energy was put forth.  I was also able to assist her on another level as my cousin is the Fashion Director at Seventeen Magazine.  I decided to call her and ask about internships or opportunities where Jackie could learn more about the fashion industry and different jobs she may be interested in pursuing.  She mentioned that Seventeen had an internship program and that I should have Jackie contact her assistant about applying for a spot this summer.  What better place to learn about fashion and the options available than by being involved with one of the premier fashion magazines in the country!

When I shared that opportunity with Jackie and her mother, it only increased Jackie's confidence and made the pursuit of a career in fashion that much more of a reality.  Up to that point no one in her life would have thought she was capable of that type of opportunity.  And until I started talking about fashion as an avenue for Jackie, everyone had said "she knows how to shop" or "clothes were her thing" but they didn't see the bigger picture of Jackie having a talent for fashion and making this her career later on in life.  Even when Jackie and her mother worked on putting the paperwork together for the internship, and getting the high school to give her credits for working at the magazine over the summer, many people still felt that there was no way she was going to get the internship.  However, I knew differently.  I saw Jackie's potential and I knew that if I encouraged her, supported her, and assured her that she could do this, she was going to make it happen.

At out most recent meeting, Michelle shared with me how well Jackie was now doing in school, how her confidence and self esteem were back, how she is achieving her goals one by one and is finally looking towards the future.  She is also opening up and sharing more.  Michelle was very thankful to me, and I was happy that I could help by opening a door that was closed before.

Being an evolved parent requires you to see past limitations that society tends to put in front of you. It requires looking for the positive when everyone else is focusing on the negative. It requires you to think outside the box and look down the road to the real world.  What role will your child play and how can you help him or her achieve it?

There are so many aspects involved in the world of fashion.  Jackie could be a major clothing buyer at a national retail chain, she could be a well known designer with her own line of clothes, she could be involved in Fashion Shows, assisting models on the runway, or she could be involved in fashion shoots for a national magazine. The options are limitless. They are only limited by our own minds.

Jackie did end up getting that internship at Seventeen magazine and she did it on her own.  She went in and sold herself to the person at Seventeen as to why she should be chosen and she is going to do her internship this summer.  I am looking forward to seeing what other doors will be opened by that experience and where she takes this opportunity.

This experience also made me look at the bigger picture with what I am doing at A Child's Voice.  With each child, and parent that I help, there is a rippling effect. There is no telling where Jackie will end up once she is out there using her talent and sharing with the world.  But I would like to think how much better the world is because she found her gift and will now put it to good use.

© 2005 Tracey Thibodeau Serebin
 Tracey Serebin is a Family Dynamics Consultant and founder of A Child's Voice located in Westwood, NJ.  She works with kids, families, and couples identifying and resolving conflicts within their unique family dynamic. She has been very successful at helping kids resolve anger, relieve anxiety, release frustration, get rid of stomachaches, unearth their talents, increase self-esteem and build self-confidence. Tracey writes for the International Magazine, "Children of the New Earth " she is a Professional Development Provider for the NJ Department of Education, she is an active member of  the non-profit organization Holistic Mom's Network and is a facilitator for CASA, advocating for the best interests of children in out-of-home placement under the jurisdiction of NJ Family Court. www.AChildsVoice.net or 201-261-7177.

One day Rachel was getting an adjustment at her chiropractor's office and she had Erica with her. She explained Erica's situation to Dr. Surie and he asked if he could take a look at her; as he adjusted many children in his practice.   He immediately saw some things to help her through adjustments, but he recommended that Rachel talk to me about Erica as well.

When Erica first came to me she was depressed, angry, loud noises bothered her, she had very few friends, was rarely called for play dates and she had stomachaches daily. Her main wish was to not have any more stomach pains.

    After spending a few sessions together, I saw a major desire within this six-year old girl to help people. However, she didn't know how to help, she was angry with her mother for not taking her seriously, and this frustration was manifesting itself in her physically.

I worked with both Erica and her mother, to not only release her frustration, but also for Rachel to understand that these desires her daughter has are real and they need to be taken seriously and to be supported.

     In a short period of time Erica's stomachaches were gone, the anger towards her mother dissolved and the relationship between them was much better. Through further work with shifting her thought processes dealing with the kids at her school, she soon had children calling her for play dates and had taken a 360 degree turn from her first visit with me.

This desire that Erica has to help people is not uncommon among a growing number of kids that I work with in my practice in Westwood, N.J. Parents bring their children to me because they have frustrations, anxieties, anger, unexplained physical ailments, or have been told their child is A.D.D. and have had medication prescribed.

The most common statement I hear from parents is "What is wrong with my child?" There may be nothing wrong with your child. He or she may be part of a new group of kids that have been identified as Indigo Children. These children are wiser, more intuitive, and more sensitive than kids before them. They can also fall into one of several groups; having strong desires to help people and making a difference in the world, gifted in science and technology or art and writing, or they may be in a third group that are very intuitive and could be healers when they get older.

While working with these kids, I listen to them to find out what is going on in their lives. I talk with the parents and possibly other people involved with them such as teachers or doctors. I work on determining what is occurring and put an action plan in place to shift the child's thought processes, release whatever is causing the problems, and refocus on the positive. I then help the parents understand what is happening with their child and help to bridge the gap between them.

In some cases there may not be a gap to bridge. It may just be helping the parent understand what is going on with their child and the best course of action to take. One mother came to me because her seven-year old son had been on the drug Adderal and was now on Concerta for A.D.D.    She didn't want him on the drugs, however the boy's school felt he was A.D.D. and should be on medication to help him "focus better" in class. Once he was on the drugs, the reports his mom received from the school were inconsistent. It didn't appear that the drugs were achieving the desired results that the school was hoping for.

After spending time talking with the mom, reading the reports from the school and the hospital that wrote up the A.D.D. diagnosis, and after spending time with this seven year old boy, I saw a child like so many wonderful children that are brought to me.

He is like an old soul. He draws unbelievably for his age, he loves science and technology, he is curious about everything and his mind is like a sponge. He does not need to be on drugs to focus, however, he is one of 25 students in his class at school and his mind wants to be further engaged.

Through A Child's Voice, I focus on what the situation is and the best course of action to solve it. In this case, he does not need to be on drugs. Other alternative plans need to be followed for this seven year old to get the most out of his education.

A Special Education Teacher friend once told me that in all her years as a teacher, she could only remember one kid that really needed to be taking these drugs. Being a parent means having all the information and options available and then choosing the best ones. Before placing their child on any type of drug I recommend getting further opinions. Just because a doctor recommends their child being placed on drugs does not mean it is the best course of action.

A Child's Voice believes in empowering parents, giving options and alternatives and providing information to help them and their child. We want the child and the family to be strong and moving forward together.

Tracey has a one-on-one practice out of Westwood, N.J., but conducts Parenting Seminars, Workshops for Kids and Workshops for Teachers throughout New Jersey. She can be reached in Westwood, (201) 261-7177, or online at her website www.AChildsVoice.net.

© 2002 Tracey Thibodeau Serebin

These are all situations of mothers who have come to seek relief and answers to their problem children.  But is there something wrong with their child or is it the home environment they are living in?

The first situation involves a child that is sensitive, aware and is trying to gain the respect of his parents.  He started acting out because he didn't feel he was respected.  It was the only way he could get their attention.  Being sensitive, he could also feel the negative energy in the house, the disrespect between his parents and the anger expressed by his father.   Children can feel these energies and they react in response to them.

The second situation involves a mother that continually yells and loses her patience.  The three year old daughter doesn't like when her mother yells, it hurts her ears and she wants her mother to stop.

The third situation concerns a very independent, strong willed, bright two year old that is wanting her mother to stop talking down to her and instead talk with her.  She wants her to get down on the floor and play while allowing her to just flow.

Sometimes it requires a step back to see what is really going on in a situation.  How do cycles start and how can they be broken?  All three of these scenarios can be changed but they require effort on the part of the parent.

Let's take certain key elements and break them down:

1. Respecting your child and dropping the control.  When I share with parents their child's need to be respected most parents get the concept, but have a hard time with the execution.  'Of course kids want to be respected, that is nothing new.  We all wanted to be respected when we were growing up.' Are statements I hear a lot. The difference with children today is that if they don't get respect anger occurs.  They are forcing parents to pay attention. When we were kids if we didn't get respect we just dealt with it and in most cases developed into emotional baggage that got carried into adulthood.

When it comes to control parents fall into two categories, the first being the parent that is following in that pattern from their parents, the second is a parent that feels they are being supportive but are actually controlling without meaning to.  With the four year old, his mother was obsessed over the types of food that he ate, how much television he watched, and activities he could play. To him she was giving him too many orders.  We talked about letting some of the smaller things go - like allowing him to eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch every day if that made him happy. There are more important issues to stand firm on.

The three year old was having her mother constantly remind her about going to the bathroom, and would double check on whether she washed her hands or not.  Quite understandably for a child that young; however, in her daughters mind she was constantly telling her what to do.  Both these children wanted some space to make choices on their own.

2. Break the cycle and clear the air. In the case of the three year old, it wasn't just about the bathroom issue.  Her mother was having a hard time being patient with her and her brother.  She would lose her temper and would yell a lot.  In being impatient she would also cut her daughter off and answer her before she was done sharing what she wanted to say.  The three year old would then yell "you aren't listening to me."  So add in yelling, not fully listening and small actions of control and you have a three year old whose anger escalates as her mother continues this pattern.

The only way to solve the problem is to break the cycle and clear the air.  The daughter needs to know that the mother is trying to change and they need to work together to move forward.  The mother needs to make a concerted effort to break her habits and create new methods of interacting with her child.

3. The Art of Patience.  I hear from parents 'I do yell' or 'I yell too much.' Admitting it is one thing - stopping it is another.  This seems to be the number one issue with children that have issues of anger.  But yet parents don't correlate their child's anger with their yelling. Doesn't it make sense that a child doesn't like yelling or fighting with their parent but the only way they know to get their parents attention is to get angry. Several children have said they don't like when their father is angry, and they don't like fighting with their mother.  However, the first one to stop this cycle is the parent.  Once the parent stops yelling and controls their anger appropriately the child will follow suit.

One tool to help stop the yelling is for parents to implement their own 'time out.'  If the end of the day is when you are feeling less patient tell your children you are going into the other room for a few minutes to gain some strength.  Or if you are in the middle of a disagreement with your child, take a few minutes, put everything on hold compose yourself and bring your anger down a few notches. This will allow you to communicate from a place of calm rather than emotions.  Children want you to talk to them, not yell at them.  Also find an outlet for frustration and stress such as working out, speed walking, yoga, or kickboxing. Everyone needs their own time to clear their head and release any unwanted feelings.

  4. Release the negative energy.  Negative energy comes in various forms.  Control, anger, and yelling are obvious ones.  The not so obvious energy is created by the frustration a mother or father may bring home from work, the feeling of being overwhelmed with so numerous tasks to accomplish, issues going on between parents, stress about money, and feelings of insecurity.  These are just a few of the various issues going on in ones life that children pick up on and the negativity that they feel is what they give back in return.

A tool to release that energy is to make a transition mentally and emotionally when leaving the office.  Leave the work issues at work, taking a deep breathe and clearing your head before getting home so that you walk in with a tranquility rather than agitation.  Better schedule your tasks so that you are flowing between responsibilities and your children do not sense that they are the burden. Issues about money and feelings of insecurity are harder concerns to not let seep into your interaction with your children, but maybe they can be filed to the back part of your thoughts rather than in the forefront.

5. Allow your child to be - they feel that energy as well.  With smaller children it is hard to not be on top of them every minute because we worry about what they are doing or getting into. However, giving them as much space as possible allows them to figure out who they are.  When parents hover over them directing their every move that is when resentment starts.  This is what was occurring with the two year old and her mother.  She is very strong willed, independent and smart.  Those assets were causing conflicts because the mother wasn't accepting them for what they are.  What her daughter wanted was for her mother to get on the floor and play with her...to play together, explore and express who she is. She did not want mom worrying about the mess, running from work in to cook dinner and then rush her off to bed.  She wanted to share time together and connect. Once the mom realized what her daughter needed from her, she let the other things go and focused on being there, sharing the experiences instead of running through them. That shift in energy and thought process was picked up immediately by her daughter and there was 180 degree shift in behavior.

In each of these three cases what appeared to be major problems with children were actually situations where parent's actions were causing unfavorable reactions from their children. Evolved parenting requires parents to adjust into alignment with their children.  It means looking at oneself objectively and then modifying certain behaviors to become better parents.  Being great parents are people that let go of their egos for the sake of their children.

©2004 Tracey T. Serebin

What I want to share in this article are 10 strategies to Parent in Balance through organization and scheduling.  These strategies allow a parent to rise above conflict and parent from unconditional love and support.  Life is not always the way we would like it to be and when stress is mounting and schedules get out of control, one can feel totally overwhelmed.  At times like these, it is hard not to be frustrated and lose your temper.  The key is to create systems that allow you to rise above the negative energy.  So whenever your child comes to you with questions, needs your time and wants your attention, you are open, flowing with the situation and in a positive state of mind.

1. Do Not Over Schedule is the first strategy and it's usually the hardest.  Our world has gotten so busy without enough time to get everything done in a day.  However, this is the culprit of most of our stress.  We feel the pressure when we rush from one event to the next without allowing ourselves enough travel time for traffic, problems, and unforeseen circumstances that are beyond our control.  We only need to run late at one point to throw our whole schedule out, putting us constantly behind.

Two points that I try to keep in mind with scheduling is, first, "learning to say no.  Do I really need to do this?  Will it be beneficial?"  The second is scheduling downtime and extra travel time between appointments.  This way I have plenty of time to catch my breath and flow from one appointment to the next without feeling rushed or stressed over the possibility of being late.

2.  Scheduling Me Time is another important factor to parenting in balance.  Sometimes parents feel guilty about taking time for themselves when there isn't enough time to spend with their kids. However, a person has to find ways to recharge so that what they are giving back is positive.  Me Time is about recharging your battery, reenergizing and clearing the mind.  This can be done through yoga, meditation, shopping with friends, reading, or whatever makes you feel good about yourself.  Me Time is time without children, without demands, and without strings.

3.  Having a Creative Outlet means finding an interest that is all about you, that feeds you and is something that you're passionate about.  The many roles that women play pull us in so many different directions: having to be a mother, wife, caregiver, chauffeur, advocate, friend, sister, daughter, employee and boss can sometimes cause us to lose focus of who we really are.  Finding your own creative outlet and tapping into it on a regular basis will reconnect you with who you are.  This is a centering and realigning tool.

4.  Quality Time deals with the quality and not just quantity of time you spend with loved ones.  The time parents and children spend together is often filled with numerous other things going on such as getting homework done, cooking dinner, completing chores.  This is not quality time being spent, this is just time.  Quality time is when there are no distractions, no place anyone has to be, and it is time spent sharing, talking, learning and being fully present - not just in body, but in body, mind and emotions.  This is the time that ends up being memorable, important, savored and it should be allocated on a regular basis.

5.  Parenting Together is a strategy that is acknowledged by both parents; an agreement to share duties, share responsibilities, and be on the same page with parenting.  This strategy counteracts any conflicts, undermining of parenting methods, overburdening of one parent, and allows a balance of responsibility.  Parenting Together is also an agreement to have a 'meeting of the minds' on a regular basis to discuss what is going on in your household. This is advantageous because life changes day by day, circumstances arise, and thought processes shift.  Open communication allows concerns to be discussed and solved before problems occur and negative situations fester. 6.  Finding calm in the chaos is not always easy, but if that thought is kept in the forefront of your mind, it can be found.  A few suggestions when feeling overwhelmed include: stopping, taking a few deep breaths and clearing your mind. Or finding some silence somewhere and allowing yourself to regroup.  I recommend that moms go into another room and take their own time out.  Or go into a coffee shop to grab a cup of coffee and take a few minutes to yourself.  Walk into a bookstore and roam around, reflecting on the titles in self help, inspirational, or religious sections.  Take a walk around the block, check out the neighborhood, the interaction of people, or nature.  Just break the chaos and find a patch of calm.

7.  Going with the flow is so much better than pushing and getting nowhere.  Everything seems to fall into place when we are in the flow.  Getting into the flow requires taking the time to pay attention to the signs and messages around you.  If you are constantly feeling as though nothing is working and you are locked in an ongoing struggle . stop, look around and see why that is.  Maybe now is not the right time to do what you are doing.  An example of being in the flow for me is when I am trying to get in touch with people, after making a few phone calls and not reaching anyone.  Instead of getting frustrated, I let it go and move onto something else.  Obviously, it is not the right time to talk to these people.  However, I can try calling the same people two days later and I will get everyone on the phone and have tremendously positive conversations.  Watch and pay attention to see if your life is flowing or if it is conflict.  If it is conflict, how can it be changed to flow with life instead of against it?

8.  Positive Energy is one of the key components of becoming an evolved parent.  A strong asset to any parent is learning how to turn a negative situation to the positive by focusing positive energy in its direction.  Positive energy attracts positive energy, while negative energy just attracts more negative.  Children can feel the energy and know when it is negative.  And they don't want to be around it. It is up to the parents to switch out of those lower energies and raise themselves up to positive levels. Also, problems are less likely to happen in the positive vibration.  It is only in the negative, lower level vibrations that problems germinate.  Negative energies are made up of fear, frustration, anger, low self esteem, jealousy, conflict, stress and worry.  These energies can be switched by becoming fearless, content, happy, supportive, creative, joyful, thankful, and by letting go.

9.  Letting the little things go reduces a lot of conflict.  Since there is so little time in one's life, there needs to be a balance of what is important, what isn't, and the time allocated to each.  Worrying about if the house is clean, if the bedrooms aren't organized, or if the laundry isn't done will not accomplish anything.  Those tasks will get done when they get done.  The real question is, are you spending quality time with your children, husband, significant other, or recharging yourself?  Those are more important.  Of course, we would love everything to be perfect, organized and clean but that would happen in an ideal world, not the real world.  Also, let the little things go with your kids as well.  Picking on them about small stuff doesn't make you feel good, and it only causes resentment in them.  Pick your battles - what's more important, the big stuff or the small stuff?

10. Finally, the juggling act is defining what all your roles are and organizing how to balance them.  Often people don't realize how many pieces they are juggling. Sometimes it simply requires jumping off that hamster wheel that's constantly running in order to make an effort to change your life.  Everyone has the ability to create the life they want.  Learning how to control your life without being controlling is the key.  Do not allow it to overwhelm you, live it with passion and balance instead of stress and chaos.  Your children will appreciate you for it.  So, first define the roles, as well as the time each role takes, and determine if every component of each role is necessary. Then start scheduling in some of the important time components discussed above.

   Get up a little earlier in the morning and have some quiet time, organize time, and tap into some positive energy for the day.  Or find some time at the end of each day to reflect back on the day to see if there were areas that could be modified or readjusted, then come up with solutions on how to accomplish it.  Schedule in some sleep time on the weekends, switch off days if possible with your spouse to give each other time to catch up and recharge.  Or decide that Sunday is the day that everyone rests and is totally dedicated to family.

Learning how to Parent in Balance allows you to live in balance and creates the road to evolved parenting.

     ©2004 Tracey Thibodeau Serebin

These numbers scare me and the fact that we are giving drugs known to be amphetamines to our children with growing minds and bodies is unthinkable. In Chapter ten of his book Dr. Breggin's states, "no antidepressants are approved for treatment of depression in children because they don't work and because they cause mental and physical problems in children."  But yet, we are giving this medication to children like we give them vitamins. How can we, as a society, allow this to happen to our greatest asset - our children?

When parents come to my office in search of answers they have either been pressured by their child's school to place their child on medication for ADD or their child has already been on some form of medication and they have been witnessing the side effects in their child, such as agitation, hostility, and depression, lack of sleep, not eating, and weight loss.  Imagine what can happen to these children when they are on such medication for an extended period of time?

Parents are at a loss as schools have pushed medication as the answer, neurologists have recommended it and pediatricians are writing prescriptions for it.  The Pharmaceutical industry has been very effective at promoting the story that medication will solve any attention deficit problem and our society has been buying into it.

In this column I want to share a belief that I feel strongly about - to be an Evolved Parent requires you to Educate before you Medicate your child, and sometimes that is very difficult to do. We tend to use the internet as our sole source of information to educate ourselves, but most of the information on the internet is produced by the pharmaceutical manufacturers themselves.

   Take Sarah for example. A very educated mother who owned her own business, Sarah called me a couple years ago because she didn't know where to turn and was feeling out of control.  Her son's school had pushed her into medicating her son, she was now getting mixed reports from school about his behavior. At the same time her son was not eating or sleeping, he was losing weight and dark circles were beginning to form under his eyes.  He was already a small child for his age and the last thing he needed was to lose any more weight.

Sarah had never wanted to put her son on medication, but the school was insisting. So she did her research by scouring the internet for information about the medication, but had not been able to find anything negative. She was also given several names of parents to call who already had their children on medication and those parents had reassured her with their positive results.

Despite all this, Sarah still felt this wasn't the right avenue for her son.  But she succumbed to the pressure nonetheless. When she went to her pediatrician for the prescription he told her that her son didn't need to take the medication during the winter and spring holidays!  When she followed this advice; however, she saw the worst side effects in her son.  He was going through withdrawal and she didn't know what to do.  When she called the doctor he said that was normal!

When I started working with the family I recommended Dr. Breggin's first book Talking Back to Ritalin, for advice on how to wean her son off the medication. I also shared with her my own insights into how highly intelligent, very creative and bored her son was within the normal classroom. We then worked together to give her strength to advocate for her son within the school system.  Shortly afterwards I gave her Dr. Breggin's newest book suggesting she pay special attention to the chapters titled "How to Withdraw from Stimulants," and "When the School says your child has a problem."  Sarah was mad and wanted to know where this book was when she was trying to find information about NOT putting her son on medication in the first place.

The fact is, the resources are out there. Parents just have to keep looking!

Another educated mother, who travels a lot for work, called me to say that her son Joe had been on Ritalin for a few years because of an attention deficit that was the cause of his reading problem.  Again, giving in to pressure from his school, she put her son on medication. Now, a few years later, he still was not reading well and his school was talking about increasing his medication.

The challenge we face in our society is that we have bought into the concept that a pill will solve all problems.  The reality is that nothing gets solved overnight.  And by taking a pill the problem is only masked and never solved.  In this case, Joe was having difficulty reading, yet taking a pill was not helping him to read, thus, other actions needed to be put in place instead.  His parents and I felt that, instead of helping him to read, the medication was actually causing further difficulty.

Again, the actions I recommended were first, to wean Joe off the medication, with the help of his pediatrician. We then advocated for different services for Joe in school. However, once we discovered what a negative effect the school was having on Joe, we decided to seek an alternative school.  Now Joe is in a school he loves and where he is blossoming.  He is off medication and his reading is much improved. Obviously, while there clearly are some children who suffer from ADD, the numbers are not as great as are being led to believe, and not all of these children require amphetamines to solve their problem.

My call to action is for parents to not let anyone push them into believing that medicating their child is "the answer."  Instead you should question all professional and medical people that say stimulants and anti-depression medication is the best action for solving your child's problem.  Read Dr. Breggin's books regarding these medications, and search out the "whys" of the problem before deciding on a course of action. There are many reasons for depression, there are many conflicts and contradictions in the understanding of ADD, thus I would suggest it is far better to first search out holistic answers to the problems rather than merely masking it with a pill. Remember - today's children are forcing old systems to change.  My advice to parents is, be a part of the wave of change, not a part of the system.

© 2005 Tracey Thibodeau Serebin

1. Being in the Moment - The Art of Listening is about really being in the moment and being present.  Letting go of what you didn't do yet today, what you need to do later, or what needs to be done tomorrow.  All of those things will get taken care of in due time - but being there, listening and really communicating with your child is more important than the small details of life.

2.  Listening Fully -- Listening requires not only the use of your ears to hear, but your eyes to see, your mind to interpret what is really being said, or not being said, and most importantly your heart, to feel what your child is trying to share with you.  Children can sense your interest, respect and compassion coming through.  They want to feel more valuable than the phone you have to answer, the work that you have to do, and the other people that are demanding your time.

This is one of the main reasons children open up to me when they come to see me at my office.  They share their most intimate thoughts and feelings because they sense I am interested, I am genuinely paying attention to them, and I won't interrupt them.  It is amazing what I can find out that many times parents aren't even aware of.  That's because the right environment hasn't been provided to let their child open up, or they have allowed a breakdown in communication to occur.

3.  Free Flowing Communication -- The Art of Listening requires being there for your child, and having an open relationship with free flowing communication.

One example of a breakdown in listening is when one person is not truly into the conversation.  In the past I would call my cousin on the phone to get caught up with what had been going on in her life.  She lived over one thousand miles away from me so it was hard to see her in person, but I would try to catch up with her via the phone.  However, every time I would call, our conversation would be constantly interrupted.  She would stop in the middle of a sentence to yell at her kids, tell them something, or give in to their interruptions. This made me aware that she wasn't really paying attention to what I was saying, as she was divided between me on the phone and her kids in the room. We never really had a free flowing exchange.

Although I love my cousin and wanted to share my thoughts with her, as well as find out what was going on in her life, it always seemed to leave me feeling dissatisfied and eventually it didn't seem worth the aggravation. I perceived my conversations with her as having an empty feeling attached to it.  Soon I didn't want to pick up the phone and call at all because I knew the experience would not be worth it.

Another example of a breakdown is communication is with my mother.  I can remember growing up and trying to tell her about something that happened in my life.  But as I tried to share, she would constantly interrupt me to interject something of her own that may have nothing to do with what I was trying to say.  Then my train of thought would be lost, and in some cases I would just walk away believing that she really didn't care to hear what I wanted to share.    Finally, I gave up trying to share anything of significance with her. I felt that she was never paying attention.  Later on in life, after I became an adult, she asked me why I never confided in her and we discussed the problem.  Today she is so much better!

4.  Deep Listening-- Connecting on another Level -- Today's kids want to be listened to and they want desperately to have a deep connection with someone. That someone should be you.  Without that connection, they feel that no one understands them and they are going through life feeling as if they have no one to count on but themselves.

Kids are looking for adults they can connect with. If someone gives them the attention, love and support they need, they will always be loyal to that person.  Hopefully, it will be you, as their parent, or a wonderful teacher that can help them succeed in school!

Parents tell me they put aside dedicated time with their child.  But what I find is that if may be at the end of the day, when their kids are too tired, or they are too tired. The other time is when they pick up their child from school.  Yes, it is a good time to talk, catch up and find out about their day; however, kids know when they are on a "time clock."  They know that as soon as they get home, their time with be interrupted, so they don't bring up what may be important because it will take longer than the "clock" allows.

One thing that I recommend is to spend a full day together, just you and your child without trying to fit them in between appointments.  They need dedicated time with no phones, no appointments, and no interruptions; no one else but you and your child to just enjoy being together.  It is during this time that you may learn the most from your child because they know you are there for them, interested in them, and you are open to talk. DO NOT have your cell phone turned on because if it starts ringing, that will shut them down!

I once encouraged a mother to take a day off from work to hang out with her eldest daughter, just the two of them, and to really share dedicated time together.  She agreed and thought it was a good idea, but she never got around to finding the time.  Suddenly one Saturday she had to go into her office. Her husband was already taking their youngest daughter to an event so she asked her eldest daughter if she wanted to go with her to her office. She couldn't get over how excited her daughter was to be able to spend that "alone time" together, even if it meant just going into her office, just her and her daughter.  Here the mother was thinking she was going to the office to do some work and her daughter thought she was getting to be part of her mom's world. It is the perception of the moment.

When the mom explained the experience to me later that week, I was not surprised and encouraged her to think of other ways that she and her daughter could have "moments together."

5.  No Interruptions -- Sometimes listening just requires time away, where spontaneous interactions can occur without schedules, interruptions and the demands of the world.

Some of the best times of my childhood were when my parents used to take me and my brother camping.  Throughout my childhood we always had an RV.  My parents started with a small one and as I grew, so did the sizes of our campers.  Camping was the best experience because there was no television, no telephone, and no outside interference. It was just me, my brother and my parents.  We would talk, cook dinner together, play cards, and tell stories.  It was during those times that I felt I had them all to myself and they were really listening to me.

Is there a special day that you could plan with just you and your child?  Is there a way that you could find some alone time to connect with your child and block the world from interruptions?  What adventure could you plan with your child that allows fun into your relationship and allows free flowing communication?

Remember, the art of listening is a major tool for keeping that communication flowing with your child.

©2004 Tracey Thibodeau Serebin